Early post for the day! A friend of mine asked me today how I do it? How I stay so positive? I responded, but I thought it would be a good message for others, as well. You guys know that with my ramblings, come other ramblings. I’m an open book, for the most part.
How do I do it? I just ramble in my head, put it on paper, realize how lucky I am to even be here, and talk. Jamie listens to all the stuff – my fears, my sadnesses, my anger, my pain, and my triumphs. He’s always with me, but my Mom and daughter also listen. Oh, and I cry, and laugh, and I am grumpy when it hits me. I apologize when I’m out of line because it doesn’t matter what you’re going through, the people around you who are helping don’t deserve whatever might come out of your mouth because you’re struggling.
I am just me. Jamie and I have become closer during this time than we ever were before. He’s an amazing man, although, he doesn’t know it. I tell him. He just doesn’t believe me. LOL…..
After my Mom almost died, I got so angry and scared that I actually stopped feeling – stopped crying, stopped all of it, because it simply took everything I had, and instead of realizing it, I shut down, and then Jamie came to me one day, and asked where I’d been and was I coming back emotionally? He wanted to be with the girl he’d met. Man, it just woke me up, and I got back to being open again. Funny because when it comes to me and my stuff, physically or whatever, I am totally good, although the pain did shut me down a few times. But, almost losing my Mom really got me. I had to be the strong one for my entire family, and forgot to take care of myself emotionally. But, I made it back. Had I still been in that mindset, I’m not sure how successful I would be right now. But, I had other friends and family bring it up, also, but Jamie is the one who made me see it. I had hurt him, and that was more than I could handle.
I’ve been through a lot in my life and with every new experience, I just know I’m going to get through it. I’ve died twice in my life, and was brought back, and this physical stuff is just that – physical. As long as I have my mind, and a way to get somewhere, I can endure any hardship.
Is it hard? Yes. Is it painful? Dude – I have moments where I’m like…. AHHHHHH, but I know it’ll pass. I just know it. No one has asked me how I do it until now. I going to barrel through until I am physically stopped.
I gotta tell you – I over analyze the crap out of stuff, and I worry to death about…. everything. But, then I deep breathe (which came from my Mom), and just slow down a minute, and remember that it’s a new day, and no matter what happens, good, bad or indifferent, I’m alive. I’m surprised I feel that way sometimes because I’ve been deeply depressed at times in my life, but I am feeling pretty lucky these days.
My Mom taught me to always anticipate after something is over, such as surgery, a test, etc. The closer to surgery I got, the more scared I got, so I used the fear to prepare for the worst. Sounds weird, right? But, I’m a planner, and so I wrote “just in case” letters, and got all my affairs in order, and made sure everyone was taken care of, even if I didn’t make it. As morbid as that sounds, writing my “just in case” letters made me realize just how much love I do have around me, and it gave me the chance to make sure the people I love most knew what to do. It took me about 3 weeks to prepare and keep busy and kept my mind off the complete and utter fear of being under the knife for up to 6 hours. It ended up being 7.5 hours. Folks, I urge you all to sit down and write “just in case” letters. Not when your health is in trouble, but anytime. It really reminds you of how lucky you are.
Even though I had faith in the doctor and his team, you just never know when it’s your time, right? Instead of letting the fear eat me up, I anticipated the “waking up in recovery” part. She taught me to look ahead of the unpleasant thing, and for some reason, it makes sense to me, and helps. I’ve tried explaining this on numerous occasions, but I have no idea if it ever makes sense.
I will get better, but not without being honest with myself and those around me. The real key, though, is allowing yourself to lean on those you love and who love you back. Remember that you are human. You’ll be amazed at how letting your ego, fear and worries go, will help you heal, and it will help put your mind right, and shows those around you that you trust they’ll take care of you.
Anyway, that’s my rambling for now! My activity blog is coming up later.