Day 39: May 25, 2018
FRIDAY IS ALWAYS GOOD! MEMORIAL DAY is Monday, so I get 3 days! I’m going to take advantage of that and just rest.
I’m trying a new concept, which will allows me to go to sleep sooner. I’m going to write the happenings of my day as they happen. Novel concept, right?
In my curiosity about the phrase “novel concept”, I decided to look up the origin. Uh. I know it means having an idea. You get 2 definitions. One is how I used it, which is to say…. “oh, writing as things happen is a good idea”. The other is to be sarcastic about someone taking so long to have an idea they you did. If you think about it, I could be sarcastic to myself since I should have thought of this already. There are actually more definitions, but they’re not pertinent to this curiosity.
I went 14 hours overnight without a pain pill and I am paying, but that’s of it. Part of that 14 hours was sleeping. My body didn’t wake me up and I am not going to set an alarm to take a pill. I took one when I woke up and I took 1/2 onsite. I’ve noticed in the last 3 days that when I take a muscle relaxer, it kicks my butt. This is related to slowing down substantially on the pain meds, which allows the muscle relaxer side effects to come to the forefront. The biggest side effect is….. SLEEPINESS. Fighting it is ridiculous, although, after about 25 mins of fighting it by walking around the jobsite, listening to loud music and making more coffee, the brick wall starts to crumble and my eyes clear up. So, no more muscle relaxers during work hours. Hence, more pain. My point is that I was unable to take a non addictive drug at work, so yeah.
I WILL GET THROUGH IT!
If you’re working, recovering from major surgery and trying to get off the pain meds, please remember that getting off narcotics is difficult and it affects your mood, your well-being and your ability to properly handle all the normal day to day. It GETS better.
I talked to my Mom today and she said that going through this process is bringing back the past of going through getting off pain pills years ago. It’s like muscle memory, but it’s mind memory. I hate everything about this process and it makes sense it’s related to my past. I’m in a TOTALLY different circumstance! I’m happy. I’m stable. I have a job I love, a boyfriend I love, healthy children, friends that are cool and a supportive family. Just vastly different.
I was just getting back on my feet last time after a very hard, and traumatic time period. I was on shaky ground mentally and physically. I was scared. I have no fears now. I don’t look over my shoulder anymore. I am not afraid to walk outside. All that is over. I am completely and thoroughly blessed to be where I am today and be the person I am today. It took many hardships to get here, but, I am glad I got here. I never gave up.
The person I was all those years ago clearly hasn’t healed completely, but I’m so thankful. I often feel like those years of my life were a dream. I know so many who never find their way out. I was lucky. I’m not talking about pain pills or drugs. There were other hardships I was handling. I wouldn’t be here without sheer stubbornness, faith, my children and the love of my family.
I’m a little freaked out because I just want to be done. Many of you can relate when I say my biggest fear is running out of pain meds before I’m successful at weaning myself off. That thought process is STRICTLY from my past and irrelevant to my current situation. But, my mind goes back there. I’ve seen research that says when we take pain meds, even years later, our minds crave it as if we never stopped. I can be honest and say I’ve caught myself thinking I could just take one more pill and help the pain. And that’s where we get stuck. BUT, it’s not real and I know that. I know I wasn’t addicted mentally before. Not primarily. When my mind tries to play tricks on me, I ignore it. Below is a good article on how opiates affect a person’s brain. I’m not endorsing or not endorsing this recovery center, but I like the article and I’ve read many like it. It should make some of you feel better who don’t understand why it’s so hard for some to overcome opioid addiction. Part of it is science.
I am excited I’ve been able to work this week, however, I’m a little disappointed that I wasn’t able to handle it better. I’m just being honest. But, I’ve been fortunate to have many other people reminding me that my health comes first. I definitely need to be reminded because I’ll just keep moving forward at my normal pace until I hit a wall, as I’ve done this week. If you’re anything like me, listen to those around you because they have your best interests at heart and they’re right! STOP trying to kill yourself to prove you can do it. They know. There’s nothing to prove to them or to yourself. YES, I’m also talking to myself and you out there who aren’t slowing down when you need to. If we don’t let ourselves heal, then it’ll just take longer and we’ll be in pain longer.
EVEN with the pain, fatigue and going home sooner then I wanted to on 2 days, THIS WEEK WAS A SUCCESS! I just continued to work from home today and yesterday. I’ve got 3 days to hunker down and rest!
#postsurgery #recovery #recoveryprocess #inspire #imback #strongerthanever #postspinesurgery #recoveryisalifejourney #cervicalfusionrecovery #isurvivedspinalsurgery #ihaveosteoporosis
This video is Will Smith and Jimmy Fallon and it’s just fun!
I hope everyone had a wonderful and productive week. If you didn’t, hang in there. If you think you’ve go nowhere to go and no one to lean on, consider the below.
This website has all the hotlines you could possibly imagine. Use the resources out there. It only gets better if you reach out and take the risk of being vulnerable.
THANK YOU to those who made a difference in my day today! Jamie, Mom, Dad, Judy, Kathey, Michael, Sandie, Meghan, Matt, Lupe, Wesley