Day 43: May 29, 2018
Today has been tiring, but good. I guess I expected to just feel better today. I feel ok, but I’m trying really hard not to get stuck in my head. I have such high expectations of myself, and then everyone around me shakes their heads and tells me I’m too hard on myself. I get it. I woke up at 6:30am today and it was just a hard morning. I had to be somewhere at 8, and I was in pain, and just grumpy. Poor Jamie. He’s very patient. I didn’t sleep last night, but that’s not super unusual. I had to switch up the times I’m taking my pain meds so I can sleep at night (although that backfired) and feel less pain when I wake up. THAT PART WORKED! I only took ½ this morning, and took another ½ this afternoon, and I’ll take a full one before bed. I just switched when I take a full one. By this weekend, I’ll go to a lesser pain pill – think a step above Tylenol with some pain stuff added in at the lowest level. Right now, I’m on Dilaudid. Look it up. It’s ridiculous, and I hate it. See website below.
I’m almost there, and if I could just quit cold turkey, I would. But, I am not interested in putting myself in unnecessary misery. I’ve had enough of that just getting to today. Keep in mind, I’ve been procrastinating for 4 years to have this surgery. Dumb, I know, but I’m here now! The aftermath of my surgery was so severe that they almost didn’t let me go home due to the pain. I must have convinced them that the pain was manageable. But, I honestly don’t remember.
I’m on pill form of Dilaudid. Soon, I’ll be on something less toxic, which I’ll be on until my physical therapy is over because that’s painful. Let me tell you how excited I am to know that PT is painful, but, I’m going to do it because it’s what necessary to continue the healing process. I really am excited to go to the next step. I’ve been in pain for so many years, that I’m OK taking a low-key pain medication to get me through it. I used to be adamantly against any kind of pain pills for obvious reasons, but I’ve realized that I’m not going try and kill myself, and that taking something at a minimal amount is OK. I know I won’t have a problem with it, so I feel ok with a short-term plan for taking meds to help through physical therapy. That should start in the next 2 weeks. If you had asked me in 2013-ish, I would have said no because I had just gotten off pain pills after such a tumultuous time in my life. But, I’m high on life. It’s been over said, but I really do feel blessed. I know what it’s like to be at rock bottom, in between, and happy.
I was excited that I got to spend an hour with my daughter, Judy, today. She always makes me smile, and she took some goofy photos of us. Those are uploaded for your viewing pleasure! The thing I love most about our relationship is that we are honest with each other. It’s not always easy being honest with your children, but, I felt I was always honest. I am pretty sure my son told me at one point that I was too honest about some stuff, but he preferred that. I bring this up because am expanding on my posts about depression and how it affects families. My children are my life. They will forever be my life. I’ve said this many times to those who know me, and I’m telling you now, I wouldn’t be alive today had I not been blessed with having Jacob and Judy. Bella gets to know me at time when all the dark times are pretty much behind me. But, Jacob and Judy saw me at my worst, and it was amazing to me how much they just loved me anyway. I thought I was making all these awful mistakes, but I think because I was honest w/ them, they knew I cared about their feelings, good or bad.
Being Bipolar is difficult.
It has taken me a long time to find a balance. Like I said in last night’s post, I have bag of tools. I use them all when necessary. Sometimes, I don’t even remember I am Bipolar. Sometimes, it’s all too real. I felt I could nothing else but be honest with them. I wanted to make sure they knew that whatever I was going through, it wasn’t their fault. It was vital they understand that nothing they did or would do would EVER cause my Bipolar to flare or ANYTHING like that. I’ve been disappointed in my children (rare), and they’ve gotten on my nerves, and Judy and I have even yelled at each other a few times, but those feelings of negativity are FEW AND FAR BETWEEN. If I wanted them to accept me for who I am, then I had to be honest with them, which forged an open relationship between all 3 of us. They know that no matter what they do, I LOVE THEM. I might not like it. I might even tell them how much I don’t like it, but they know I’m there. I am honored and humbled that my children talk to me, and share with me their lives, feelings, ups, downs, joys, doubts…. Whatever it is. I worried when they were little if I would be able to convey to them that they were “perfect” in my imperfect storm. Again, there were times when everything was “normal”. I felt good. No problems. No depression. Just the status quo.
But, when it went bad, it went bad, and that dark time came in 2006. If I’m honest, it started prior to that in 2004, but they weren’t aware of any of that because I was still with 2nd husband. Once we lived on our own, things got a little dark. I promised myself that if they asked me questions, I would answer them honestly, and that hurt sometimes, but I wouldn’t do it differently if I had the chance to go back. Bipolar rears its ugly head when big things happen. It could be good things, bad things – but, it doesn’t discriminate. I didn’t really understand what would happen when I started going through my 2nd divorce. It was devastating. I thought I had it handled, and I DIDN’T. It kicked my butt. I am the one that walked away, not him. But, I was so wrong about the effect it would have on me. As the divorce went on, the sadder and more lost I felt. 2006 was by far the hardest year of my life with 2007 following a close 2nd. I had some hard years later on, but 2006 and 2007 were simply the worst. I had a Bipolar flare, and it changed my life for the worse right away, but then stronger, which has led to today. Even though I had been diagnosed when I was 19, life was pretty easy. I had my children, had stable jobs, and just lived. I was depressed, but I had medicine that I thought managed it, when in reality, it just kind of numbed me out. The amazing thing was that no matter what I was going through, I always made sure I was always there for Jacob and Judy without fail. It was the craziest ability. I could be falling apart, and when they walked in the room, I was OK. My maternal instinct was simply stronger than my struggle, hence the reason they saved my life. They absolutely knew I was hurting, but they just loved me anyway!
I could tell some stories, but I have to think about how I want to go about it. I’ve been through some stuff. It’s not about blame either. These are just events that happened to me. All I am trying to say tonight is that if you’re feeling out of control because some kind of mental heartache, then you’re not alone, and I’ve been there and for a long time before I finally found some peace.
I’m going to put more websites below, and if you’re struggling, and your mind is in a dark place, consider pushing an extra button to find some resources, or if you’re just too tired, then message me. I’ll be happy to give you resources. I can’t offer professional help, but I can offer resources that can. While I’m an expert at my own disease and can offer my experience, I can’t professionally counsel anyone. I can actively listen but am not comfortable giving actual advice. I just hope what I’m saying; the hotline numbers and websites I’m providing will prompt you to reach out. YOU ARE WORTH BEING IN THIS WORLD.
Many depression hotlines are available for you to call right now. Don’t be alone with your thoughts and feelings any longer. There is help for you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. If you’re reading this, and you’re saying, she doesn’t know what I’m going through. I DO. I plan to share more of my experiences in later posts. Stay tuned. I bet our stories sound the same. It certainly makes me feel better to know I’m not alone.
THANK YOU for making a difference in my day today! It means more than you know. Jamie, Mom, Judy, Dad, Jordan, Kelsey, Brian, Kevin, Deea, John, Katy, Ken, Susan, Kathey, Kayla, Jacob.