Day 48: June 3, 2018 UPDATED – I can’t sleep because I’m not feeling well, SO why not share some more positive stuffs. (I meant to put the S because I’m silly that way, so stop wondering).
This is what I’m sayin! Watch this and remember you’re worth it. None of us are perfect.
While today was somewhat frustrating, it was another successful day. I want to make sure that those who are going through recovery of any kind understand that not everyday is happy happy joy joy. Days vary. Our feelings vary. Just take a deep breath and it’ll be ok. Don’t forget to talk about it or write about it or whatever it is you do to get it out. Tomorrow is a new day.
I wrote this a few years ago, and it’s still true to me.
“Our past is our past. It’s what we do with today and tomorrow that matter. Our past can define us or we can forgive ourselves and others and find something more positive. We all have things we don’t want to remember whether we caused the pain or someone else did. It’s all about knowing that we aren’t that person today. We are better, braver and willing to take a step forward and when the past does rear its ugly head, we can say we aren’t who we were, but someone who is learning to grow forward and not backwards. It’s a process. It’s easier said than done, but we all deserve a chance at something better in this life. Start that process of forgiveness and realize you are loved today no matter what you did yesterday.”
Today, I take note that I can swallow better. I can drink water continuously, but slowly. I struggle to brush my teeth IF I use a manual toothbrush because of the back and forth, and up and down motion that you use while brushing your teeth. Having an electric toothbrush is much easier. Bathing is much easier, although, it’ still difficult holding the hand held for a long period of time. While it’s MUCH easier, I forget that I had surgery less than 2 months ago. To me, 48 days seems like a lifetime ago, but my incision on the back of my neck is still healing, and scabs are still there. The incision on the front hasn’t healed yet. The stitches haven’t dissolved yet. It still hurts when I toss and turn at night while sleeping. It wakes me up sometimes. By the time the end of the day comes, I’m simply exhausted. I work my butt off every single day to get better, and that’s happening, but I’m still exhausted. By the time Friday came last week, I was so exhausted, I could barely move. Throw a cold or whatever I have in with it, and it’s so much worse. I’m infinitely better, but I’m pushing myself, and I think it’s actually backfiring. I rested all weekend, and honestly, the thought of getting up and going to work is unpleasant. I’m sick and I’m tired, but I have a commitment to my job, my clients, and my coworkers. If I felt well, I wouldn’t care, but, I’m exhausted, and haven’t been feeling well all weekend. Why I am saying all this? I needed to remind myself that 48 days ago, I had major neck surgery, and rushing to “get over it” isn’t going to work. I know how I feel – I am done recovering. Right? That’s what our brains say when we’re frustrated and feel like we aren’t doing enough.
My very stubborn mind says
“I don’t need to rest anymore. It’s been 48 days already!”
“I don’t need to take a break.”
“I don’t need helping carrying anything.”
“I can drive anywhere as many times as it takes and then not take a break.”
“I can stand up for 2-3 hours straight, and it’s no big deal.”
“I don’t need help putting my stuff in the car.”
“I don’t need help with anything. I’m a big girl.”
“I can walk for hours, and it’s no big deal.”
“I don’t need to be careful while bathing anymore. It’s been 48 days already!”
“Brushing my teeth shouldn’t hurt anymore.”
“EVERYTHING should be easy now.”
Let me set you straight. If you are feeling this way and convincing yourself you can DO anything after 48 days after major surgery of any kind, then you’re wrong. My doctor told me I would not be working until 6 weeks after my surgery. I went back after full time after 4. I worked at home probably the 2nd week I was at home and did ok. It took some time to be able to stay awake, especially with the dosage of drugs I was on. The 3rd week I worked part time home and part time office. The 4th week, I was allowed to drive, and started working again. See the breakdown below:
Tuesday, April 17, 2018 – Sunday, April 22, 2018 – Hospital
Monday, April 23, 2018 – Sunday, April 29, 2018 – 1st Week Home – I don’t really remember this week at all, so I don’t know how much work I was able to accomplish, but I can guess it wasn’t much.
Monday, April 30, 2018 – Sunday, May 6, 2018 – 2nd Week Home – I started working at home more at this point. Reading emails and answering them and trying to get back into life a little more.
Monday, May 7, 2018 – Sunday, May 13, 2018 – 3rd Week Home – I worked from home full time, and was starting to feel much better
Monday, May 14, 2018 – Sunday, May 20, 2018 – 4th Week Home – I worked full time – between home and office. This was a tough week but made me feel kind of normal. This is not what my doctor thought would happened. At Week 4 at home, the doctor said I’d still be unable to work. Well, I proved him wrong.
Monday, May 21, 2018 – Sunday, May 27, 2018 – 5th Week Home – I started back full-time on the jobsite, and wherever I was needed. Monday was the first day I was allowed to drive by my doctor. If he had his way, it wouldn’t have been to work full-time, I’m sure. He would have wanted me to start back the week following. But, I DID IT. I’m happy I did it, but I know I need to take care of myself. I don’t sit around easily. I just don’t know how to do that efficiently.
Monday, May 28, 2018 (Memorial Day) – June 3, 2018 – 6th Week Home – This is the week I should have started back part-time. I just couldn’t have waited. As soon as I was feeling even somewhat better, I was back at work. I’m HAPPY I did that, but, there’s a part of me that still needs to understand that I’m HEALING from major surgery. I’ll post the photos again for those of you who have just joined us. The weekend of Memorial Day, I literally rested for 3 straight days. I had to rest. This weekend that we’re in right now, I’ve rested. I’m sick, also, but still, even if I hadn’t been, the week kicks my arse, and I have to rest. SOON, that won’t happen anymore, and I’ll be able to do things on the weekends, but right now ALL of my energy goes into working.
If you’re going through this, please be kind to yourself. I know it’s hard. If you’re anything like me, it’s so very hard to really take the time you need, but if you can’t do anything on the weekend because you’re still healing, please DON’T do anything. Hopefully, you have a Jamie like I do who will make sure he’s there every step of the way and reminds you that you’re still healing, and it’s ok to rest. The weekends have been the hardest because I want to go out and do things. I’m so tired by the time the weekend gets here, I can’t think straight. I finally get to Sunday, and know that the next day is Monday, and prepare myself for the inevitable….morning. it really stresses me out. I’m just so tired. I didn’t stress so badly last week, but I’m not feeling well, so I’m not looking forward to waking up. I am very loyal, and so I will be there. I’ll be exhausted, and fatigued, but I’ll be there. So, that’s how I’m feeling today. I AM TIRED. I AM SO TIRED.
I’m still getting off the meds, and next week, I’ll transition to the new meds. I’m still in pain. That’s just the way it is. I do a lot of stretches, and things, which helps but it’s still there. I’m doing everything I’m allowed to do, and everything I’ve been directed to do to keep moving forward. And, that’s happening. I’m feeling overwhelmed. If you feel this way, IT’S NORMAL. I know it doesn’t help when you’re going through it, but you’re NOT alone. I feel this way, too. It’s ok to say you’re tired, and worn out, and fatigued. It’s ok to say that you’re tired of going through this and you wish you were all better and could do all the things you want. It’s ok to express your frustration. But, remember to detail what it took to get here, and how far you have come. Maybe not be so hard on yourself. I am proud of you. I know how hard it is to stay focused on the positive when you feel you’re doing not doing your part at home and work. BUT YOU ARE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN.
I’m happy to be able to write this post, but I’m human and sometimes my ability to be positive is hard. Today is one of those days. Although, the blessings aren’t lost on me. That’s for sure. Even sitting here right now typing this, I’m smiling. It’s a tired smile, but a smile nonetheless. Dori is laying in my arms. Jamie is watching basketball and looking at stuff on his computer. Judy and I talked earlier. Bella spent some time with us today. All the other animals are OK. Life is good, folks. Life is good. No matter how tired I get, I know I get to continue to live this life I’ve come to love.
When you get tired, stop and rest. When you know you’re about to do something you shouldn’t, don’t. Ask for help. I’m the worst at asking for help. Ask. No one thinks you’re weak because you’re asking for help. Only YOU think you’re weak. The rest of us are more than willing to carry stuff for you or do the hard work until you’re able and ready. If you’re around people you love, then you’ll be OK. If you’re not, then go be with your people. They will support you no matter what! You will be happier. You will heal faster. Your life will be infinitely better. You have people. Everyone has their people. I love my people, and I can’t wait to have more in my Village.
Once I am able to move around more, and not have to rest, I will be adding some activities to my life. I am so excited and can’t wait to be able to do them! I’m still a little too weak, but I imagine it can happen in the couple weeks! I am making great progress. Being impatient in my recovery simply won’t help me recover faster.
ONE DAY AT A TIME! YOU’LL GET THERE. BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF, AND lean on the ones closest to you!
THANK YOU! I appreciate everyone who helps me stay on track, lets me know when I’m doing too much, and just loves me. It’s pretty amazing!
I’m also cutting my hair shorter, I think. We’ll see. I loved it when I had short hair and it was SO MUCH EASIER! Still contemplating.
I thought this video would interest some of you!
And this one is just super fun and cute! This dog wants a kitty!