June 5, 2018 – What’s Going ON?

june 14 entryUPDATED Day 50: June 5, 2018

Day 2 at home with a virus? Overdoing it? stomach?

Before I start today, I have 2 videos. They are both by Chad Prather, who I happen to like.

Chad Prather #1

Chad Prather #2

I was trying to avoid the very thing my doctor warned me about, which was overdoing it. I’m pretty hard headed, so it was bound to happen. But, I’ve been resting, and I’ve actually gotten quite a bit of work done. Yesterday, I slept most of the day, but today I’ve been resting and working. It feels good to get stuff done. I’m definitely disappointed that I’m under the weather.

Even with the minor setback, I’m doing way better. I’m able to swallow better. I can’t eat meat yet! But, I’ve decided I don’t miss meat, so I’m going to steer clear of it.

I can sing a little bit now! That’s been my greatest joy! I’m going to sing again! Yay! I can sing a few notes but then it starts to hurt and the incision on the front of my neck hurt. So I don’t try and push it.

No big changes with the brushing of my teeth or washing my hair. It’s hard to shave my legs still, but I prefer smooth legs, so I do my best without causing a lot of pain. It’s the little things.

I have stairs at my house and it’s a little painful to walk up and down stairs because we naturally want to look where we’re going and it hurts a little to look down or up while walking the stairs. I also have stairs at all my jobsites so it’s a common theme.

I can only wear certain types of shirts. They have to be stretchy, sleeveless, wide neck…any shirt where I don’t have to put my arms too far above my head. The other day I put on an iffy shirt and I paid the price. Not too hard going on, but considered cutting it off when trying to take it off. I can also wear certain types of bras. Just make sure you can step into it or are able to fasten it without pulling your muscles. My pants have to be stretchy, too. It’s all a work in progress for sure! From Day 1 to Day 50, things have infinitely improved! I’m so blessed.

I have to be careful how I sleep and the position of my pillow. I still haven’t figured out a pillow I like and right now, I’m laying down at an angle to fall asleep. I don’t sleep well, but that’s not new.

Good news is that by Saturday, I’ll be off the Dilaudid and on the Tramadol. I’m pretty excited that I’m finally at this point. Everyone heals at their own pace. I’m definitely not healing as fast as I’d like. I am healing as I should be. I’m just going to keep telling myself that…. 😜

While working, I had Benny & Joon (the movie) on in the background. It’s a good movie. Joon is mentally ill, but I don’t remember them defining her disease. It just says, “mentally ill”. I hate that label. It just makes having any kind of mental difference sound hopeless. How about mentally unique? I like that much better. Having an illness or disease automatically puts a negative spin on it. I’m Bipolar. Does that mean I have to live under a label that says illness or disease? Nah. I think I’ve decided that I’m Mentally Unique. Part of the reason that humans don’t want to seek help or want to accept they’re different is because they are diagnosed as ill or diseased or defective. I have been so scared of sharing this because people with Bipolar are blasted in the most negative way on TV and in Social Media. That’s just crap! Do some of us struggle more than others? Yes, but that doesn’t mean we’re not good people. It doesn’t mean we’re not productive or don’t contribute to society. Some of the most brilliant, talented and beautiful people are Mentally Unique. I don’t need to name them. You have probably thought of 5 right off the top of your head – all professions – all through the years. Mental Uniqueness isn’t anything new. It’s as old as time.

Here’s what I know – we’re ALL human 100% of the time. I don’t believe that a person is OK all the time. Some of us need more help than others, and some of us simply can’t get the help we need because it’s not enough. If we’re born with a chemical imbalance, or we go through something traumatic, then it’s not our fault. HEY – WAIT – WHY should we even consider blaming anyone or blaming ourselves for being born? If it’s someone’s fault that I was born, then doesn’t that mean they did something wrong by having me? It gets REAL pretty quickly when you start realizing that shaming those with mental or physical uniqueness is cutting down someone’s life. It’s simply devastating. It’s unfair.

Not only am I Bipolar, but I have a wandering eye. Kudos to Mom for making sure I learned how to control it, but the older I get, the harder it is to control. There are plenty of us out there who can’t control it. The medical term is Amblyopia and it’s when the vision in one of the eyes is reduced because the eye and brain aren’t working together properly. The eye itself looks normal, but it’s not being used normally because the brain is favoring the other eye. This is also known as Lazy Eye.

My Wandering Eye!

My Mom wanted to make sure I didn’t get stared at, so I did these eye exercises. But, if you look at me on a video, you can see it pretty clearly. I’ll add a video so you can see it. That’s right. I’m going to show all of you another of my unique qualities. I used to be so self-conscious about it. I remember always making sure I had it under control. But, when I’m tired or thinking, I don’t know it’s happening. One moment I remember – I was in middle school, and someone I kind of knew made fun of me because I had a “crazy eye”, and then I realized they had brought onlookers. I cringed inside. I didn’t yell or scream or say something ugly back. I told them it was hurtful. They didn’t make fun of me again, but that has stayed with me. My eyes wander all the time now. I’m not embarrassed anymore. I had the opportunity to get surgery to shorten the ligaments in my eyes, and I said – no way! They couldn’t guarantee it wouldn’t permanently damage the ligaments. I can handle my eyes, as is. It’ll be fun when I’m older, and my grandchildren are trying to figure out who I’m looking at. I’ll be giggling inside – well probably right at them! LOL.

I was watching America’s Got Talent (one of my fave shows), and this beautiful, African American woman stood on stage and sang her heart out. She is 42, and said she got kicked out of a talent show because they said she was too fat. She was 16 or something, and she quit singing because of that one experience. She sang, and her voice was rich and beautiful. Simon said that the reason he started AGT was because of the “stupid” people in the business who judged people for everything, but their singing voices. Think of all the people in the world who were ignored, shamed, made fun of, beat up, put down, and so on, who could have helped change the world?!

There are plenty of “normal” people who don’t contribute to society and who aren’t very productive. It’s easy to shake a finger at someone who is Mentally Unique. Last time I checked (Google told me), there are about 7.4 billion humans living with each other; working with each other; learning with each other –

Here are just a few other words used to label mentally unique humans – crazy, certifiable, demented, depressed, diminished, insane, manic – do I need to go on? There are so many. The more I read, the sadder I got. No one needs that. Yes, mental and physical uniqueness has some negative parts, but they also have positive, so why label it either way. I would much rather define myself on my experiences and not from a label in a book that someone made up to explain the difference between me and a “normal” person.

Dude! I didn’t choose to be Bipolar. I was born this way – UNIQUE. DIFFERENT. NOT ILL OR DISEASED. I can guarantee that my parents don’t see me as ILL or DISEASED. They love me for me. I know I’m not the first person to wonder why different equals negative. If you’re mentally ill, diseased, disordered, defective, then how can you possibly like yourself? You know what I mean? It’s the same with physical challenges. Let’s see what those words sound like – deformity, disability, handicap, disabled, impaired, invalid, obese, fat – do I need to go on?

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Fact is – we’re all unique. It doesn’t matter what physical traits we got, or what genetic lottery we won. We are all uniquely different. I have 3 other siblings I grew up with, and we are all VERY different. Same environment. Different outcomes. It’s rather fascinating to me. I have always been fascinated w/ the human condition. I’ve spent my life watching human behavior. I’d like to think I’m pretty good at figuring people out. It makes it easier to accept people for who they are when you know more about their background. I like getting to know others through listening. If I could listen to another person tell me their entire life story, I would do it all the time. I simply like knowing where someone came from – how they perceive humanity and the world around them – and how they feel about themselves. I’m a talker, but I rather enjoy listening to others. I want to give back by sharing my story. I want you to know that no matter what you’ve been through in your life, you are not too broken to be happy. I thought I would never find happiness after my last relationship ended. I didn’t think I had anything left to give. I had given everything I thought I had to that relationship. But, when Jamie came into my life, I learned I had something to give back to him. I’m still learning and I’m still finding my way, but he is there for me in ways no one has ever been, and I love him more and more because of his love and support. I don’t know if he reads all of these, but he simply makes my life easier and better.

This is a pretty cute video about an Elephant who loves love… no matter who the recipient may be!


If my videos aren’t playing correctly, please let me know so I can address it. Thank you!

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