It’s hard for me to watch people I love hurt themselves and others. I wish I could shake them so they can see the reality of things. But, I can’t do that. I can’t shake them into doing something different or tell them something that will somehow make a difference this time. I can’t do anything, except hope that one day, they will know things can be different. I can only love them unconditionally. They may not think that loving them unconditionally is possible, but no matter what they do, I love them with my whole heart, and will never turn my back on them, hence unconditional love. People who go away or decide you’re not worth their time are those who have conditions for love. I’m sure there are those who believe that because I’m no longer in their lives that I loved them with conditions. That’s probably true of some of them. People com and go. Some are great, some are not so great and in both situations, some are unforgettable!
I struggled for so long, and I know that people who loved me just wished I could see reality. I “knew” it. I dodged friends and family with lies or dhalf-truths or would pretend to listen. I didn’t care, as long as they stopped talking. I kept telling myself that I’d be OK and I didn’t need anyone’s help.I mean – what did they know? Turns out, they knew a lot more than I did!
It took a long time, but I came to realize how wrong I had been, and how my behavior hurt the people I loved around me.
I wrote this poem when I was in the middle of this terrible relationship that consumed my life for years. I was also taking pain pills for my back (valid) AND to deal with the hardships of said relationship. He took them, too, so that made it “OK” in my mind. I didn’t realize until I was away from him that I used the pain pills to cope. That was quite a realization, and I had to accept and own that truth.
He had such control over me. I can hear some of you saying – she’s weak – she should have just left – she deserved it because she stayed – and so on. I get it. I hear all of you, but until you’ve been there, you just can’t know. Before and after him, I wouldn’t have taken any of the abuse he threw at me. I certainly don’t judge those of you who think “I could just leave”. You have your truth, and I have mine.
I still have a lot of shame, sadness, and guilt where he’s concerned, but I’m writing about it because it’s the ONE thing my loved ones couldn’t change my mind on – it was an addiction like any other. I didn’t think it was possible to get away. Believe me, I tried so many times, and it took years for the last time to finally stick! I really just let my fear go. The act was simple. The steps to get there were terrifying. It was the hardest and best thing I ever did.
Sharing this might mean something to someone who is either going through it and doesn’t know how to walk away or to someone who is watching a loved one going through it. Abuse is a tough one, and can make “normal” people do things they wouldn’t normally do to survive.
At the time that I wrote this poem, I believed myself 100%.
I’m so glad I was wrong, but this is how we lie to ourselves, and fool ourselves into thinking something that is the opposite of the truth. I felt helpless to make any changes. I was “insert terrible word” and I couldn’t possibly be loved or forgiven.
Written on July 25, 2009
Is it Love?
From 1 year-15 years old, I had no idea what love was…
How could I being so young?
But May of 1989, when I was 16, he came walking into my life
… and I knew I would only love him for the rest of my life..
But, then we parted and life happened.. and I knew I would only love him…
I married and had my children… but he was always a thought away.
What was he doing?
Was he OK?
Was I just hanging on because… well, I don’t know.
I looked for him. But to no avail.
Then, he contacted me… and my heart skipped a beat..
I was scared… realized I still loved him, no matter how hard I tried to forget.
That girl came, the innocent, sweet girl of 16, came back to life..
…scared… Do I let him in? Is it OK?
That girl.. the 16-year-old girl, who loves him with no boundaries… no thought…
No rational thought… gave him everything…
My life.. my love… my hope… my dreams… my soul…
And today, I sit alone… without him… because I was wrong.
I was so very wrong…
…He still judges… doesn’t know me… wanted me to be what he thought I should be.
And so I say goodbye with sadness, anger and regret…
He says he loves me but judges me because I’m here…
…All because I’m not what he wants… and I won’t, absolutely won’t… say it’s OK.
So, I go forward… without him… a part of me gone forever…
But, I won’t go backwards, no matter how her heart feels… how my heart feels…
So that’s all I will say….from this point on…
He can’t hide anymore.. and I’m no longer ashamed…and I still don’t know what love is…
Just reading that makes my stomach hurt, and it just reminds me of a time where I felt helpless and alone. Everything felt hopeless. He spent so much time calling me horrible names, telling me I was no good and impossible to love, and I believed him. If you hear something every SINGLE day of your life, the lines are blurred, and the utter sadness you feel is so big that you don’t remember how you felt before him. You don’t know if you were ever happy because it’s covered up by a terrible darkness. Everything was tainted for me, except my children. They made everything bright and OK. Thank GOD I was allowed to have them at all. It wasn’t in the cards for me to have children, but the Universe intervened, and they are here, and they saved my life.
If you’re in an abusive relationship, you can SURVIVE. You can be HAPPY again. It takes time, and you will probably never truly get over it, but you can learn to incorporate it into your life and use those memories to appreciate what you will hopefully find. I found Jamie, and without him I would not have known real love. Real love is unconditional and not mean or hateful or dark. It’s light. It’s good times and hard times. It’s honesty. It has the power to solve all things – no matter where the love is coming from, as long as it’s pure love.
I told myself for years that I was the one who was wrong, and I caused all the problems. If I just said or did this the “perfect” way, he’d be nice to me. It didn’t work and it didn’t matter. Sometimes he was the nicest person I ever knew, but that was part of his game. It never lasted, and he always reverted back to this awful person.
In 2018, I’m happy and I’m safe. I’m in a healthy relationship. We work on it. I’m thankful I found him. I would have never known how affected I was had I not met him. I am just so happy these days. I know that NO MATTER WHAT, I will be OK. I survived him. I can survive ANYTHING. Truly. You are what you put out in the world. I am happy, and I want those around me to know how important they are, and they have a purpose.
ALL OF YOU READING THIS have a purpose. You may not know it yet, but hopefully, you will find it.
Thank you for popping in!