I always feel like someone ran over me with a truck on Monday morning. This morning was especially hard with added allergies and a general feeling of paranoia. Thank you surgery recovery and Bipolar. I know I’m still healing, but it gets tiring when I’m TIRED all the time. I woke up in a lot of pain today because I’m getting off the Tramadol. I was on Dilaudid, so I’m moving in the right direction. I’m only taking the Tramadol twice a day. My surgeon’s nurse told me the other day that I should be off the pain meds. I wanted to tell her that when she has metal going from C3-T1 on the back of her neck and 3 new bone grafts on the front of her neck that she can tell me if I should be off all the pain meds. It hasn’t even been 3 months and Tramadol is minor in the big picture of pain meds and I’ll have no trouble getting off of them. Her saying that made me feel like a complete failure in my recovery. I haven’t gotten over it since she told me last week. “You should be off the pain meds. You shouldn’t be in pain anymore.” WHAT????? I haven’t been super angry during this process yet, but she made me angry because she made me question my recovery.
I have been working my butt off every single day and I’ve been back at work full-time for a lot longer than my surgeon thought I would be. I usually don’t care what other people think, but what she said stuck with me. That’s also unusual. I let things roll off my back pretty easily. But, I’m human, and I’m angry today. The lesson for those of you who are Bipolar, or are in some type of recovery – NOT every day is roses and sunshine. Some days just suck – and that’s OK. No one can be happy all the time. Faking happiness, when it’s not in the cards, is just as tiring as trying to figure out if your paranoia is valid or not. I have had some definite long conversations in my head about whether or not my feelings are valid, and if I should say something or not.
I guess I don’t understand how she can assume when she has no idea who I am or what I’ve gone through. She hasn’t walked in my shoes. Yeah Yeah Yeah – I haven’t walked in hers either, but it’s her job to be supportive of patients, and I feel she failed. Instead of asking how I was feeling – she said I shouldn’t be in pain anymore. I am the poster child for understanding what others are going through – but not this girl.
I had a doctor’s appointment today, and I didn’t have to deal with her. I talked to my surgeon’s PA who is just amazing! She made me feel that I was doing all the right things, and on track. Although, she did say I have to take it easy a little longer due to the Osteoporosis! BUT, I can get back to normal. I’m pretty happy! Below are today’s X-rays, and the scans above are right after I had surgery! I’m healing nicely! I can turn my head to the left and right better than a month ago. I can also look up and down better. Looking up is always going to be difficult, but it’s better than it was. Looking down is also going to be problematic. Jut look at all the metal!
I also feel there are people who are tired of hearing me talk about my surgery. Uh, whether they like it or not, I spend every single day recovering and it hasn’t even been 3 months yet for a recovery that takes about a year. If you don’t want to hear about it, don’t ask how I’m doing. Just smile or say Hi. Of course, I’m talking about it here because this is my blog, and the whole point is to talk about my recovery from surgery, along with the other emotions, etc, I go through, in an attempt to help people who may be going through the same thing or know someone who is… I’m actually trying to keep quiet about it in real life to avoid people getting irritated at me. Why? Why do I have to be the one who bends to everyone else’s comfort? Let’s not forget those who think talking about it all over the internet is somehow wrong, too. It just makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. And true to form, it makes me want to run and hide, and just be the quiet little girl who doesn’t say anything stupid; make any mistakes or embarrass myself or anyone else. There were a lot of triggers last week with my recovery, people rolling their eyes at me, and other stuff. I just stayed quiet. It has officially taken its toll, and I don’t normally even talk about it. Today, I’m doing it because writing about it helps get it out of my brain and into the air where it can float away, and I can take a deep breath and let it go.
I know not everyone feels that way, but some people who matter to me, do feel that way, and it hurts my feelings. My life changed after surgery, and for the best! But, I’m still healing and still struggling to get up every day and work every day. At least 2 or 3 times a week, I just want to sleep a little longer because I don’t sleep very well yet, or work from home. But, I still get up and go to work and I’m successful every day. I may be dragging my butt across the tile floor, but I’m doing the job and loving it! I don’t talk about that much because I am doing what needs to be done. I am a strong person, but even I need someone to talk to about stuff.
One of the hardest parts of being Bipolar, for me, is not believing anything anyone says. I often feel they are lying or have some kind of ulterior motive or they’re out to get me in some way. I assume they’re talking about me behind my back because, in my mind, people are passive-aggressive more than they are directly honest. So the above is even harder when you add the paranoia to the mix of already confusing emotions. One of the reasons I think things to a fault is so I don’t make some extreme mistake because my Bipolar is playing with my mind. It’s tiring, and frustrating. I have always fought this particular side effect and I’m more successful these days, but when someone questions me on something that I’m not doing wrong or rolls their eyes when I tell them how I’m doing (when they’ve asked), or walk away when I’m in the middle of saying something about my recovery, it sends my mind into overdrive, and I have to start going through the steps of trying to figure out if my feelings are even valid.