I guess the last week or so has been emotionally charged for me. I didn’t realize I was holding a lot of anger and sadness inside until today. I was angry yesterday and part of last week at the nurse from my surgeon’s office, but I’m not really angry at her (see yesterday’s post) because I don’t care what other people think. I know I’m doing what I need to be doing, as far as my surgery recovery goes. But, I now know what was making me so sad and angry. I don’t know how to talk about it either because it’s incredibly personal and delicate. If this wasn’t the internet, and my talking about it wouldn’t hurt anyone, I’d talk about it, but I am too close to it and I respect their privacy. There might only be 20 people reading this, but right now, it’s just too personal. So, I’m going to just see what comes out and go from there! Thanks for continuing to read.
I’d like to tell you that if you’re struggling with something hard, seemingly hopeless and sad, and it affects every part of your being, talk to someone. It’s so important you not keep things inside. It leads to sadness and anger, and very likely, if it’s not about you specifically, you can’t do anything to change the situation. I know you want to, but you can’t. I know people watched me helplessly at different times in my life and they just had to WAIT for me to be ready. I have done the same with people I love. They have to want to make changes. Until then, I can do nothing, but watch and hope and try to manage my sadness and anger when it comes up. I Just want to fix whatever it is that’s wrong or walk the person out of the darkness, but I can’t. The truth is – they have to say they’re ready and lead the way.
We can only control what we do, and how we react or feel about things. It is easy?? NO. If you’re Bipolar, or have some kind of other mental uniqueness or you’re dealing with something very emotional, then it’s easier said than done.
There have been plenty of times I haven’t been able to control my emotions or actions. The key to that is not beating yourself up about it for too long. It’s also about making amends with those you have hurt either emotionally or in some cases, physically. You have to mean the amends or it’s not worth doing because the person you’re saying it to will know probably know you’re lying. If you need to wait – then wait. If you know you can never make amends, don’t convince yourself you need to. Not everyone deserves your time. There are bad people in the world. It’s OK to know that and understand that and use your bullshit radar to steer yourself away from them. I learned that lesson the VERY HARD way. It was the classic – “they’re not really bad. they’re just in a bad mood or had a bad day.” That’s only OK if the person isn’t abusive. Otherwise, it’s bullshit.
Sometimes you can make amends with someone and they don’t accept it or can’t accept it. That’s OK, too.
If it was something devastating to them, and they feel they’ve given you all they could, then you have to let them go. Maybe they need time or maybe they can never be in your life again. But, if you care about them, you’ll give them the space they need, even if it’s forever. You won’t judge them because you might have handled it differently. I had to learn that, too. Someone I love couldn’t be in my life anymore and I still love that person to this day, and only wish good things for them. Sometimes, I get upset about them, but not often. I just want them to be happy. I can accept that me not being in their lives might contribute to their peace and happiness. I still get to hear how they’re doing, and somehow, that brings me peace, too.
I am passionate about pretty much everything that matters to me. I love fiercely. I’m loyal to a fault because I understand the human condition. I understand we all make mistakes, and we all have regrets. I am forgiving because not forgiving means I hold anger inside and it means I don’t give someone another chance if they deserve it. Yes, I’m judgmental of certain things. We all are. If you say you’re not judgmental, you’re lying, and I’m judging you for not admitting you’re human. LOL! Judging others to a point is part of the human condition. It’s how we regulate our bullshit radar. At least, it’s how I regulate mine. My judgements are certainly not always correct. Good thing to – I love that I’m not always right or perfect. The things I think I’m right about are usually negative because aren’t judgements considered negative acts? I used to be convinced I was right about every negative thing. My boyfriend told me that I was wrong, and he was right! I’ve learned quite a bit about myself through his eyes, and it has only made me a better human.
I don’t hate anyone, though. That’s too tiring. I spent enough time hating people. The people you’re hating don’t care and probably don’t know you’re hating them. They’re on to the next thing. Why waste your energy on them when you can put your anger, hate or sadness into something positive…eventually? It takes time. I think hating someone is a choice, and once you get a certain amount of distance from that hurt, you can make the choice to stop hating. It just destroys you and it keeps you from truly being able to enjoy your life. Do you know how much energy it takes to hate? A lot more energy than it takes to be happy or even be at peace. Hate is this dark, ugly cloud that penetrates every part of you, but on the other side, peace and happiness do that same thing but as light and beauty. Which one would you rather be? Hate or Love?
I’ve hated and loved. Nothing good ever came out of hating. I am not proud of the times I hated and how it clouded my life and my actions and hurt others around me. I would say there are people who deserve to be hated, but I really don’t believe that because hating is a singular action and doesn’t breed anything except more hate. From hate branches greed, violence, abuse, war, division, arrogance, crimes against humanity, deceit, animosity, revenge, pain, resentment, cheating and so on. I’m sure you can think of many more things hate causes. But, here is what LOVE grows – more LOVE, forgiveness, kindness, unconditional LOVE, Humanitarian Aid, Tolerance, Grace, Devotion, Loyalty, Patience, Hope, Appreciation, Fidelity, Allegiance and so on. I urge you if you’re feeling hatred to write down words that represent love to you, and then reach out to someone who makes you feel better about the world.
I always come back to love and light. Bipolar can be a dark cloud. It has been my dark cloud many times, but it can also be a beautiful and imperfect partner in my creativity. I have realized some amazing things while going through a happy manic episode or seen the beauty in the darkest colors of my mind during a depressive episode. I see things in shades of colors in my mind. I also have music for every action I do. Sometimes there are words, and sometimes just music. But, to me, this is the quirky side of my Bipolar that allows my creative side to shine. There is never a dull moment in my mind. EVER. My mind never rests. It doesn’t matter if I’m sleeping – which I don’t do much of anyway – or awake. My mind is always turned on. Many times, I’ll fall asleep and continue my waking thoughts or dream what’s on the TV and become part of whatever I’m watching. My mind is so fluid and I jump between waking and sleeping as if there is no true division. I attribute that to my Mental Uniqueness or even my Mental Beauty. I can’t wish I wasn’t Bipolar because that would mean I didn’t think I was worthy of living fully. I think I am absolutely meant to be here, and be my full self. I don’t think I need to hide or squash a part of myself because society has said being Bipolar is death sentence of the mind. I’m no longer afraid. It’s out there now, and if there are people out there who are afraid or who don’t understand what it means to be Bipolar, then they have the choice to learn or not. Either way, it doesn’t change me at all.
I can’t say I feel better about what I’m experiencing this past week, but I know that being angry about it won’t help me. But, loving them will help me. So, I choose LOVE.
Until next time. Peace Out.