I think I can. I thinkk…I…. cannn…..

adult alone black and white dark

I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to  get through the rest of the week. I’m trying to be positive, but I’m losing the fight. I feel tired. It’s Thursday. By the time Thursday comes, I’m done. Cap’ut! Finito! Hasta la Bye BYE! The coffee isn’t working. Nothing seems to be working. I know – bad attitude – worse day. I get it. I preach it. I own it, but I can’t seem to dig myself out of the hole I’m in today. I’m completely off balance.

Here’s the problem. I want to lay down and go to sleep. But, I don’t really want to lay down and go to sleep. My body is taking over. I want to NOT be tired. That’s what I want. I don’t want to sit on the couch and doze off without realizing it. That’s very disorienting. I don’t want to feel like a heavy log when I get home from work because I’ve worked my butt off all day, and have nothing left for the evening. Maybe if I gripe and complain some more, I’ll find my positivity. OR not.

Friday of last week, I went and saw my Endocrinologist. After I had my neck surgery, the doctor asked that I get a bone density scan because during surgery, my bones were softer than they should be for someone my age. I did that immediately, and then had to wait 6 weeks to go see the Endocrinologist. I knew right away he was awkward and new at talking to humans. There is only one other person who I’ve met with his traits in a people intensive job. My Chemistry teacher my Junior year in high school. We didn’t get along AT ALL That’s a different story. Back to Dr. Blevins. I went to my first appointment, which I opted out of because the front desk gal told me he was running an hour behind. Nah. Nope. Nada gonna happen, folks. Nothing worse than feeling trapped in some doctor’s office. They were nice enough to reschedule for the following week. It had already been 6 weeks – 1 more didn’t matter. I went to the appointment. In walks Dr. Blevins. He couldn’t look me in the eye, and he stuttered – not medically – but in a “I have to talk to a human” way. We talked about the fact that my bone density scan showed I’m at a -2.7 on the “You have advanced Osteoporosis Scale”. -2.5 is considered advanced. 0 is normal. I’m -2.7 in my spine and -1.6 in my hips. -1.6 is called Osteopenia because it’s not major yet. The kicker is – I’m 45. Dr. Blevins drew some truly terrible thyroid glands and a bone that had no density. Then he quickly told me he shouldn’t be drawing. I was patient and I agreed. He told me all the things it might be – hormones, thyroid, Vitamin D and Calcium. He went over the medications I would need to take once we got the blood results back. I wasn’t thrown off yet, but I noted that he was new at doctoring real people, and went on about my day.

OK – Off to get blood work done! It took me about a week to find the time to sit in a waiting room for hours so someone could stick me. Mom reminded me a couple weeks after that to call and make a followup appointment because they didn’t have time to do that after my appointment. THEY WERE TOO BUSY to help me. I called and asked if they had received my blood results on some phantom voicemail. I hung up and hoped my message would get through because it seemed sketchy. They called me back the next day and we set up an appointment.

SO, on Friday, my boyfriend and I make our way to my appointment. I told Dr. Blevins at the first appointment that my blood work would come back normal. I don’t feel sick on the inside. It’s my bones and spine that are sick. The only other thing that was sick were my reproductive organs, and those were removed when I was 23 (that’s another story). I looked at the paperwork the nurse left before the Dr. Blevins walked in, and after much deciphering, see that everything is NORMAL. ALL of it. I’ve been taking Vitamin D and Calcium so that brought my levels to normal. Go me! I asked what other options could be causing the Osteoporosis. He looked down at the floor (which is his comfort zone) and said – well, I don’t know. I guess it’s just your genetics. I asked if he could run more tests. He said – well, I can’t spend that much time with you. The slave drivers are telling me hurry up. I thought – what the hell are you talking about? Are there invisible people holding whips to make sure you follow their rules? I HAD questions. When he said I’d still need to take medication, I said OK. I am going to be taking Tymlos (maybe), and that’s an injection every day, and my boyfriend made a joke about stabbing me with the needle. I thought Dr. Blevins was going to faint. He didn’t know if my boyfriend was joking or not, which made me laugh harder.

addiction aid bottle capsule

I walked out of there feeling unheard about finding the culprit of the Osteoporosis. To add insult to injury my medication request got denied by Humana. They don’t think it’s medically necessary because I’m 45! YEAH – that’s right. I’m f’ing 45 and it’s not my fault I have Advanced Osteoporosis – so STOP WITH YOUR RED TAPE, and approve the medication that will help me get better! Sigh. I’m thankful to have health insurance but I’m not super excited to be a number and not a person when dealing with them! One of the biggest issues I’ve had in my life is being diagnosed with weird (at the time) stuff and no one knowing what to do. Because I’m not the norm, they automatically deny the claim. Whatever. It’ll get worked out.

I felt like a zombie tonight, but watched the last episode of the The Five on Netflix, and then watched the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt until bedtime. My boyfriend came home from being out of town and it was so great sharing the same space with him again! Tomorrow, we’re going to see Jermaine Fowler at a Comedy Club in town! I’m pretty excited. Now that I’m healing, I want to go do stuff. I might be exhausted, but I can still do something fun on the weekends!

1 thought on “I think I can. I thinkk…I…. cannn…..

  1. Ovcorse your gonna feel exhausted your body is using a lot of your energy to heal dear and I’m sure the meds your own are running you down too. You could try making and drinking real fruit smoothie from fruits you like and eating high protein foods that will give you more energy in the day, I know I feel better when eating higher protein.
    Is your doctor fresh out of medical school or just antisocial, your paying him so tell him to get of his ass and do what you want done. It’s the same old shit with the medical insurance companies trying to save a buck by not covering medication someone needs. ❤️✌️


    Liked by 1 person

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