No Direction

image-31I’ve started this post over a few times now. I know what’s on my mind, and my thoughts are kind of all over the place. So, how do I narrow it down? I don’t know, but I’m going to just talk through what I’m thinking and feeling. I usually have a linear thought when I write here, but the past few days, it’s been a ball of thoughts. SO, bare or bear with me! I’m going to get through this. I have been incredibly sad the last few days. A good friend of my boyfriend’s daughter took her life on Friday. She was 20-something and left behind a husband and 3 babies (1, 2 and 4). My heart breaks for her children, and her husband and the family she left behind. I wish she could come back and see how her actions affected everyone she left behind. I know she was probably thinking they’d be better off, but that’s not the case. They’ll never be the same again. How does that father explain to his children why Mommy isn’t there anymore? Does he do it now? Does he wait? The 4 year old might have some kind of memory of her, but definitely for the short term. She was a stay at home parent. Her husband did the working. So, everything changed…. in an instant. I wonder what she was thinking and feeling during her final moments. I can only speculate. I can do that by remembering how I felt when I was almost successful. They say that if you survive attempted suicide that somehow you didn’t mean it. I guess that could be true. They also say that if you take pills, you’re not serious. I’m here to tell you that I took enough pills and I would have died had my boyfriend at the time not rushed me to the hospital. My organs were shutting down, and I was outta here. But, the Universe had other plans for me, and I’m here today. I actually don’t remember the act of taking the pills, but I remember what was going on that day – specifically that day. I felt defeated. I was exhausted in a way that I couldn’t explain. I felt like my whole world had changed into something I didn’t recognize anymore. I had just left my 2nd husband and I was terrified. I felt alone. I felt isolated. I felt ashamed. I didn’t feel like I could tell anyone because I was in that situation because of me. It wasn’t anyone else’s fault by my own. I simply believed. WAS CONVINCED that my children were better OFF without ME. I’d had a fight with my boyfriend at the time, and when I walked into the apartment, my children were watching TV on the couch. I remember telling them I’d be right back, and then I woke up in ICU. I wasn’t going to be right back. I was lost in every way. I wish I could know what she was thinking that day. This is where my thoughts start spiraling. My mind gets so twisted, I want to stop typing. I’ve stopped at least 4 times to let my mind breathe. I’ve been watching New Girl. It’s one of my favorite shows. The writing is clever. CRRAAAPPPPPP. Lost my train of thought again. That’s the best I have right now. Peace out!

21 thoughts on “No Direction

  1. (I hit reply before I was even close. Ugh). Anyway… you put a $1 in the douche jar. Then after a week/month whatever you decide you take your kids out for ice cream or something like that. 2nd I am so sorry. It is awful when something happens to someone you know where you believe you could have made a difference… if only. It’s harder when you have body scars that remind you every time you look at them (like the one on my wrist) that you were in such a place where you actually thought that others would be better off without you. I love that you wrote about this and that you are so open. And this makes me wonder if a compilation of actual stories from survivors of suicide attempts would help others who are in that place. Reading your story is/was so effective I can’t help but to think that others would realize that they aren’t the only ones who went through what they are and actually hearing how surviving made a huge difference. Idk. I just think there’s more to be done.

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    1. There’s so much more to be done. I wish I could tell everyone that wonders if they’re better off that they’re not. More importantly, the people left behind never recover fully. And those same people would tell them they don’t want them to go! It’s just very hard.

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      1. I am with you. And having been there I can’t say that if I read about people like that would have changed my mind, but then Again I can’t say that it wouldn’t. It’s especially difficult when I am trying to get through to a student who says/ does things that send up warning flags. I don’t know. I think it would be very fascinating to compile those stories and introspectives from survivors.

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      2. I have “helped” quite a few young people. But, I didn’t listen to anyone. I was very private about it. My family didn’t even know I was suicidal until I ended up in the ER on my third round. I didn’t even tell them until I got home. I was that ashamed. So, maybe some can be helped and maybe some can’t. I want everyone to know taking your own life is just wrong.

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      3. I do too. And I agree with you. Honestly, I really never told anyone. (My therapists not included). Not even my family. I still am embarrassed and carry a lot of guilt. I accidentally ran my arm through a glass window pane. I was/ sometimes am still pretty embarrassed. But I do believe I am here to help others. It’s the same reason I think I fought cancer so hard. Even though one was self and the other a freak, I could have easily let it consume me and ultimately beat me. Idk. Even though there have been a lot of recognizable people that have gone there, I think the one that effected me/ angered me the most (outside of mine) has to be Robin Williams. But then there is my son, who just almost 2 years ago had his mind made up, even leaving texts to his mom and brother and sister, not even comprehending the effect it had on them. And I kid you not, I went looking for him, having no idea where he was, and by some grace of god I was lead right to him. I was so angry, but at the same time I realized I needed him more than he could ever know.

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      4. You were led to him. That was no accident. I’m so sorry that either of you struggled. Depression is such a private thing. We need to continue to be out loud about it. Maybe that’s how we contribute?

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      5. I guess. But if you met me You’d never know. For as extroverted as I come across, it’s just not where I really am.

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      6. I don’t think anyone would know about me until now. But, I’m pretty good these days. I would never even consider taking my life now.

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      7. It was in those moments when it really hit me on how selfish the act or the threat of the act is. And it was probably the first time I connected the full impact of my own actions.

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      8. It’s all I can do, right?

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      9. Forgiving ourselves is the key to a more balanced journey.

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      10. I’m not seeing the last reply but I wanted to add a ps… Do the Douche Jar!!! (I love New Girl too)

        Liked by 1 person

      11. The douche jar cracks me up. Only Schmidt seems to fall prey to it! Lol

        Liked by 1 person

      12. Makes me think of that series 13 Reasons. Which I had a very hard time watching but was incredibly moved.

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      13. I haven’t watched it. I’m not sure I can.

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      14. I had to FF through a lot of it.

        Liked by 1 person

      15. I just don’t want to watch something that I know is about suicide.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Ok so here is my first thought. Anytime you wonder how your Life would be different or that you could have made a change or those feelings of guilt come over you, you

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  3. I’m sorry to hear that dear, I hope you feel better soon, hugs dear.
    ❤️✌️

    BY FOR NOW

    Liked by 1 person

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