I always have so much going on in my head. Right now, it’s so much I can’t write a steady stream of anything. It’s all garbled in my head and it sounds angry once I start getting it out of my head. Does it mean I’m angry if my writing becomes angry? I should know the answer. Let me be more specific. I should TRUST the answer, but I don’t. I’ve spent most of my life trying to validate if it’s OK to feel one way or another. When I get angry, I wonder if it’s valid and spend hours trying to figure it out, and scolding myself for being angry at all. Same with sadness. Same with worry, fear or anxiety. Because I spend so much time analyzing those things, I forget to be happy. When asked if I’m a happy person, I’ll tell you yes because I have the potential to be happy. But, honestly, I’m a deeply sad person. I absolutely have things that bring me joy and happiness, but when left alone with my own thoughts, I am sad. I know it’s part of my Bipolar, but it’s hard to explain to others. I know it’s because of the things I’ve been through in my life, and HERE’S where I start to TELL MYSELF I don’t have the right to be sad or to struggle. I’m Bipolar. I should deal with it. YET, I would NEVER tell that to someone else. I would listen to them with my whole heart. But, aren’t we our own worst enemies?
I have some pretty deep trust issues. I don’t want to have that problem, but after some of the stuff that’s happened to me, I simply don’t trust easily. As a matter of fact, whether this is right or not (see? telling myself I don’t have a right to be right), I don’t trust anyone I meet right off the bat. It’s not distrust. I just wait. I trust very few people in my life. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I think people would be surprised to learn who I trust and don’t trust. For those of you reading this that I’m close to – you know if I trust you.
There is one thing I know without question – I love and trust my children. They are my heart. I know I WOULDN’T be alive without them. Maybe I’m stronger than I think I was back in the day, but I wouldn’t have had purpose without them. Here’s another thing – I don’t know how to be in a relationship with a man. I am terrible at it. I am with a good man now, but I have no idea how to be whatever it is he thinks I should be or more realistically, what I THINK I’m supposed to be. It’s not easy after being abused sexually, physically and mentally. No one likes to hear it or talk about it, but it affects your whole self. I think it’s awful that we’re not allowed to say we’re affected. I think it’s mean and sad for someone to think it’s so easy to get over. “JUST GET OVER IT, ALREADY”. OK – I’ve spent my whole life doing just that, and ignoring when I’m sad about it or scared about it or confused about it. No one around me, other than survivors, hurt more than I do about my past. How it becomes about them is beyond me. It didn’t happen to them. So, while they may be affected by how it’s affected me, they weren’t raped. They weren’t beaten. They weren’t called all kinds of horrible, scary, degrading, disgusting names or told they were worth nothing. Deep breath, Folks. There’s good news!
WITH ALL OF THAT, I’m SO THANKFUL to be here to share my story. But, in the past year, I’ve realized I’m just a girl who is trying to heal. I’m not there yet. I’m strong, but I’m weak. The past sticks to me, and sometimes it oozes out in sad ways, and sometimes angry ways. I feel compassion and kinship for and with those who have been through what I’ve been through and I applaud your ability to walk through it the best you can. It’s NOT EASY. And for the first time OUT LOUD, I’m ok w/ saying it’s not easy all the time. There are days I want to sleep all day or hide all day or just give up. But, I’m still here. I’m supposed to be here.
I want to be a successful partner but I can’t be that if I can’t allow myself to be sad; to be hurt; to be honest about my abuse; to be angry… If I hide from myself, I hide from him by association. If I can’t accept myself, how can he? I’m broken. AND, that’s OK. I need to figure out how to forgive myself for being abused. That’s right. You read it correctly. I need to forgive myself for being abused. I am a strong person, and I carry that with me, but I will only grow weaker in contrast by NOT ALLOWING MYSELF TO TALK ABOUT IT or FEEL about it or ADMIT IT TO MYSELF that it happened. I can’t be a good partner until I really start owning my own pain and anger and sadness, and therefore my strength. I’m 45 and I’m here. I’m 45 and I have 2 beautiful children; a beautiful stepdaughter, and a beautiful boyfriend. I’m 45 and I have survived the worst of the worst and I can still smile. Am I sad? Yes, ALL THE TIME. Do I think I can be happy at my core? I think I could be IF I stop talking about what happened to me as if it happened to someone else. IT HAPPENED TO ME. All of the dumb and terrible things that I’ve gone through HAPPENED TO ME, not some imaginary character I made up in my head to survive. I do blame myself for some of the things that happened. Nothing will ever change that feeling or what it is I blame myself for. No matter what was happening to me, there are those who were caught in the crossfire of my chaos.
For the first time in my life, I’m actually looking ahead. I don’t even know what to do. I never looked ahead before now because I didn’t think I’d make it. I didn’t think I’d be here or writing a blog or working at a place I pretty much like all the time. I just didn’t think it was possible. I didn’t see A FUTURE. I see one now. It’s very weird, but very uplifting. Now, I have to figure out how to deal with thinking I can have a future and find some happiness at my core. My boyfriend thinks I’m not happy because of him, but in reality, I ache in my soul. He makes me laugh all the time, and he makes me smile. I’m just not great at showing him how much he helps me. I do tell him, but my actions don’t always match. I’m working on it.
For those of you who are going through this, you have the RIGHT to ask for help. You have the RIGHT to hurt, be angry, be sad so you can start the HEALING process. I’m continuing my healing journey, and this is just one more step in that direction.