Focus. Breathe. Rest. Repeat.

duck-waddleI’m a little behind on posting. I actually started writing it on January 21st, but didn’t finish. I have so many drafts right now. I figured it was time to post one of them.

I heard on the radio today that the 3rd Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year. This is due to the fact that there aren’t any upcoming holidays (Valentine’s Day doesn’t count because you still have to go to work and most people don’t get Martin Luther King, Jr. day off); people have given up on their New Year’s Resolutions, and you realize you have to go to work every day and do the same thing over and over. Let me break it down from my perspective.

  1. I am OK with not having any upcoming days off because I’m still trying to get back in the swing of things from Christmas & New Year’s holidays. There is such a thing as too much time off.
  2. I don’t make New Year resolutions. However, I am killing it and myself with my new treadmill. But, I’m excited and am happy to walk my way into a better and stronger body core. This will help with my Osteoporosis. It is fun watching me waddle around today. There’s that image!
  3. As for my job, I love it. I didn’t think I’d ever have a job I love. But, I do love this one. A lot of that has to do with the people I work with every day. Clients, coworkers, trades….. just everyone.
  4. On a different note, I started 2019 single. My boyfriend of 4.5 years broke up with me about a week before Christmas, so he’s an ex-boyfriend now. I don’t know the exact day anymore. Once he did that, I was in “gotta move out of his house” mode. He said I could take my time, but I didn’t want to be in a place I didn’t belong any longer than I had to be. Sure Christmas time wasn’t the best time, but I’m not the kind of person who lets something negative ruin all the holidays forever. That’s kind of silly to me. It just ensures you will have a bad day every year on the same day. Why do that? I got to spend Christmas with my family and that’s all that matters. I wasn’t alone. I had support from all sides. Work. Family. Dogs (LOL)….. Even my ex helped me.I could tell you what he said that was hurtful, but that would be harmful to him and he was honest, so I respect his ability to finally be real with me and himself. I know it took a lot for him to be honest out loud.
  5. just weren’t compatible, and that’s OK. In hindsight, I realize we weren’t right for each other from the beginning. I could never truly be myself. I simply felt if I talked about certain things from my past, he would judge or think differently of me, and he did. I think he saw me cry twice, maybe 3 times. I felt more comfortable crying with my coworkers, when the time arose. I just never felt safe with him. He’s not a bad guy. When you don’t trust someone or feel safe, you can’t really be yourself. I tried talking myself into trusting him, and it just never worked. Could I have tried harder? I don’t think so. There just came a point I couldn’t walk past, and he got to that same point. When neither party knows how to understand the communication style of their partner, the relationship fails. If one or both isn’t willing to learn another’s communication language, the relationship fails. Relationships are work. It isn’t a fairy tale. Lust and infatuation fade and what’s left matters. If there’s no meat, it won’t last.
  6. Our breakup felt sudden, but it wasn’t. I asked for the last time, after many times, if he wanted to keep trying, and he said no. But, I had asked before, and if we had been honest the previous time or two, we would have parted sooner. The Universe had us where we were supposed to be during those years. I am thankful he was present when I had surgery and through the recovery process. I wrote something snippy just then, but erased. No point. I am human. I’ve got some hurt feelers for sure. But, for the purposes for adjusting, those slandering comments simply demean the point of this particular blog.
  7. I’m hoping that at age 46, I’m capable of falling in love. If I’m honest, I’ve only been “in love” once and it was for all the wrong reasons. I sure thought I was, though. It almost ended my life. I’m talking YEARS of loving this person. I know some will say that I wasn’t in love then. I’ll forever say that it counts. It wasn’t healthy, but it was love. I gave ALL of myself to this person, and I’m not sure what I have left to give or if I can or if I want to. I did learn from this last relationship that I have some healing to do and some forgiving to do. I still blame myself for allowing myself to be in an abusive relationship. I didn’t realize it until I said it out loud recently to my Mom. She reminded me that it wasn’t my fault. I’m just not sure I believe that yet. All in good time.

2 thoughts on “Focus. Breathe. Rest. Repeat.

  1. Jenny – You express yourself so well. Thank you for sharing your tender feelings. Love you 😍

    Liked by 1 person

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