It’s been a little over a month since I became single. I moved into my apartment a few days before Christmas. I live in my own little world. I happen to like my bubble. However, I would like to add some noise to it. It gets very quiet sometimes, and that’s not always good for my mental health. I am a thinker. Deep. Reaallllly DEEP. I analyze everything to the nth degree. It’s very tiring. It takes me days to absorb something that’s happened because I spend HOURS reliving it or thinking it through. I finally complete the thesis and am able to go to the next thing. Sometimes I have all these questions, and I know it would CRAZY to go the person or people and ask them. It would overwhelm them, even though I’d ask to know so I can know their story – the reason why they said or did whatever. Not to judge. But to understand them better.
I think it’s every human’s basic right to be told they’re beautiful and special and needed by their significant other. That just didn’t happen in my last relationship. I am not an attention whore at all. But, it’s important. AND it goes both ways. No, I wasn’t good at it either. But, I know I would be if the right person ever came along. I know it’s important both ways. I also realize how little outside stimulation I’ve had. I forgot what it was like to feel like a girl. Desired. I know that may sound weird, but before surgery, I was focused on surviving every day. After surgery, I was focused on healing. I’m still healing nicely, but now that I live alone, it’s all work, and healing. Very little play. I’m a homebody by nature, BUT, I also enjoy spending time outside my place with people I know and sometimes love! (-: I also like it when they come over and spend time in my bubble with me. I love when my daughter comes to see me. It makes my entire week and especially that day. When I see my son, I can’t express how happy I feel. My children are my world, and they always will be no matter where they are. I don’t get to talk to my son often. Boys are so hard to get anything out of, so when he takes the time, it matters. He could tell me anything and I’d appreciate it. I’m fairly sure most Moms feel this way in relationship to their sons. So, for all the sons out there, call your Mom. She misses you.
I talk to people all day long, and I help people all day long. I am actually going to start delivering through Uber Eats because it will get me out of the house and I would be moving and immersing myself into different environments. I also get to decide when and how long. It’s called being outside my comfort zone. I love a good social gathering, as long as I don’t have to put myself out there. I do enjoy planning company events and I love hosting those events. I find that incredibly satisfying. But, that’s part of my job description so it doesn’t bother me. I did plan a fabulous birthday get together for my last boyfriend. Everyone else had a great time. I have no idea if he really enjoyed it or not, but it was his 50th, and I had a good time, along with everyone else, so I know it was a success…overall. Give me some time and I could probably plan some pretty amazing events for people. BUT, I’m not super social on my own. I tend to stay home, binge watch whatever series I’m interested in and snuggle with my puppies. (also treadmill a lot). I love reading. I love writing. I love creating. I love singing, but I’m still struggling with my voice. I don’t talk about it much, but I’m incredibly sad that I can’t sing as well as I could prior to surgery. After almost a year, I don’t see it coming back fully.
I know it’s only been a little over a month but I feel like I should be running marathons, volunteering for the homeless and training my dogs for professional dog shows. I exaggerate but I feel like I’m doing something wrong. I’m 46. I’m running out of time. Life. Right? Shit. It’s really stressing me out. I know better. I do. My realism is so unbelievably real that I am able to calm myself down and know life is continuous. But, this past week has been ROUGH. I know I’m doing well at work. I know my family loves me. I know I’m a good dog Mom. I hope my children still think I’m a good Mom. I’ll never assume they believe I am. I know I’m getting in better physical shape everyday. It’s really the getting out and meeting people thing that has me. Aren’t I supposed to be doing crazy, amazing things RIGHT NOW?! Thing is, if someone contacts me and they need help or an ear to bend, I’m there. I hate seeing other people suffer or hurt. But, my biggest flaw and best feature is my ability to accept people for who they are…. where they’ve been and how they got here. It’s just fascinating to me. Also, I like people who are broken like me and admit it, and are positive and hopeful. Positivity doesn’t mean life is all roses. It means we have bad and crappy-ass days and aren’t scared to admit we’re human. Admit we get tired of the daily battle. Admit we don’t want to get up and go to work or smile at someone. Admit we’re real. Admit we need help.
I’m not perfect. I acknowledge that I will not be happy every single day, and that’s OK…because it’s impossible and an unfair expectation of myself and others. I hope everyone else out there knows the same thing. How many times have you been talking to someone and they are trying to tell you that you should be over something or not be negative? OR they’re trying to convince you that they got it goin’ on but you can see the pain behind the words? I mean – even I’ve done that. There are times I catch myself saying things to prove I’m stronger and that nothing bothers me.
HEY – I’m strong, confident, secure, insecure, thoughtful, moody (at times), straight shooter, people-pleaser (at times), lover, fighter (when it’s needed and sometimes just because I woke up wrong), FAIR, unfair (at times), understanding, compassionate, feisty, loyal (to a fault), protective, HONEST, liar (we all lie sometimes), supportive, selfish (at times – WE ALL ARE), dense, aware, focused, unfocused, admit wrong – I mean you get the point. If you’re in my life and I trust you, I’m there. Trust takes a little time for me because I’ve been wronged SO OFTEN, but I know there are people out there I can trust. I have faith, folks.
I have the ability to empathize with anyone. If you know me or meet me or are getting to know me, I won’t judge you – unless you hit women, children or men, sexually abuse children, rape, neglect your children or abuse or neglect your animals. I don’t care what political party you cater to. I don’t care if you love Trump or hate him, as long as you don’t try to push your view down my throat either way. I won’t automatically judge you if you’ve been arrested or struggled with drugs or alcohol. Tell me your story. Ill be honest with you.
I will be sad for you if you don’t believe in something greater than yourself, but I won’t turn my back on you or think less of you. That doesn’t mean God for everyone. That could be the Universe, Buddha, God, Allah, Harry Potter, ghosts – Rah, the Sun God – higher power. Spiritualism. It matters. I happen to believe in God. I would NOT BE HERE without his presence. I don’t go to church or talk about it a lot, but I believe. Be passionate about something outside yourself. Faith isn’t something just associated with believing in God. It can mean you take that leap because it matters in furthering your growth as a human. Faith isn’t something you can touch. But, it can move mountains. It can save lives. It means you’re taking a step outside yourself. I have questioned my belief so many times, and I have no doubt it’ll happen again. That’s what makes me human. But, I know I’m alive because the Universe, God – wanted me to be.
I want to hear your story and have you know I simply appreciate when someone opens up to me because I KNOW how hard that can be. When you’ve stripped your armor away, don’t run. I’m still here to listen. It’s always hard for me but I do it to make sure whoever is on the other side understands that I care about what they have to say. I would much rather hear about someone else, but I know there has to be some give. I care. When I say that, I remember those I’ve wronged or treated poorly and it breaks my heart a little. I always think of 2 specific people when I say I care, and I’ve apologized to one of them. But, I’m not sure I’ll ever have the courage to apologize to the other. Maybe one day. I’ve got another 40 years. They will be alive right along with me. I hope. I’ll be 86 in 40 years. I am not one of those “I want to live forever” people. I just can’t imagine living that long, but maybe I’ll feel differently when I’m 86. Until then, I’ll keep doing the best I can, and treating my fellow humans with the dignity and respect most of them deserve. There are bad apples, so I can’t lump them into this statement. I hope you’re all well. Life is going to be OK. Just take a deep breath and don’t try so hard. It’ll happen. Whatever it is, it’ll happen.
Thanks for reading!I know you didn’t have to spend your time here.