so many thoughts. so little time.

So, it’s been a month and a half or so since my ex and I parted ways. Our relationship was over in a romantic way years before we parted, but, fact is…. I’m living alone with my 2 dogs. He and I occupied the same space and his daughter was there, and we had 3 cats, so it was loud and he and I did have a kind of friendship. There was always activity, although, I didn’t do a lot of moving around like I do now. Now, I have a lot of time on my hands, and I’m trying to figure out what to do while I’m not at work. So far, I’m working out, taking the dogs for long walks, organizing my apartment (there is still stuff), binge watching TV shows, spending time with my daughter when she’s not busy (school, work, magazine), spending time with my sister and Mom (although not doing either of those enough), cleaning (lots of cleaning). I haven’t started delivering for Uber Eats yet, but need to start that soon. I’m still trying to mentally prepare. I just don’t feel financially stable after having lived in a 2 income household for many years. And, I need more money to feel comfortable. I also want to go back to school to boost what I’m already doing, and I’ll need money for that, too. (see what happened there? my mind did what it does 24 hours a day – raced)

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In the midst of all I’m doing, my mind is still messing with me (see above). I avoided being upset about it at all. That’s my normal route. Ignore – it will go away. But, it never does. YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. One of my oldest guy friends asked me to dinner a few weeks ago and I said yes without hesitation. It was enlightening. Whatever his intentions, he made me feel like a girl again, as in desired or could be desired. He’s always been one of my favorite people. When I think back on my youth, he makes me smile. We were very different, yet not really. It just seemed that way. Like then, I still accept him for who he is. It was nice to rekindle that friendship. I still consider him a very good friend!

Feeling like a woman again pissed me off because it made me realize how ugly I felt with my ex. He made sure I felt ugly so he could feel better than me. Anyway, I am still angry about that. I know he’ll never take responsibility for it, and can only imagine who he has lied to about it at this point. When we did break up, he wouldn’t even tell anyone, even though it was his choice. I know. I know. It shouldn’t matter, but for right now, this minute, it does SO I can let it go. Make sense? Anyway, after that dinner with my guy friend, I was thankful for 2 things. One – I was able to rekindle a friendship with someone I’d always been fond of in my youth, and two – I was able to be myself with him. Nothing romantic happened, and I was OK with that. So, my self-esteem is better, but still pretty low. I fell into a trap of allowing some man (my ex) to make me feel ugly and undesired. Usually, I would make excuses for him or any man by giving their side of the story, but sometimes, I just need to let others take blame for their part in my story. I take enough blame for everything. I won’t today.

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Let me just break down the crap that HAS gone on in my head and how it’s changed in 2019 or 2018 – recently. I was the bad daughter, bad sister, bad wife, bad girlfriend, bad friend, bad employee, bad human being, bad mother (this one was probably the most prevalent of them all) at some point in my life. I took blame for things that had NOTHING to do with me. TODAY, I am human. I try very hard to allow myself that simple courtesy. I am a good daughter most of the time. I am a good sister most of the time. I am honest most of the time, although more so than not. I’m known to be brutally honest. My Mom said something very sweet to me today. She said that I am who I am, after I said I hurt people with the truth. It’s not the truth that hurts – it’s the way I deliver it. When I’m angry, it’s just how I fight. I use what I know. Otherwise, I don’t mean to hurt anyone with the truth. The way she said it today made all the difference today. It’s something she’s said many times before, but it just sounded hopeful today. Isn’t funny how we hear things differently from day to day? I do have sadness regarding how people handle when I’m blunt or brutal in my honesty. I’m pretty good at figuring people out, and sometimes, I point things out they’re not ready to hear, but because I’m not always aware of THAT fact, I tend to be honest to a fault. My mind is in a constant race with itself. BUT, I’m trying hard to redirect it into something positive.

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I think we sometimes have to push ourselves into something to know whether or not we are ready. SO, I did that. I got on a dating app. I got lots of attention. Some of the men were very good looking and accomplished. I even started talking to someone. He was sooooo sweet, and kind and I know he’ll find someone who is READY to be in a relationship. As the days went on, I felt unsure, and uncertain about being on a dating site. Now that I knew someone would desire me, I didn’t know if I was ready to meet anyone. I agreed to the date for this past Friday, and I just had the worst feeling. Not because of him. I just knew I’d be doing him a disservice. SO, I told him the truth. I’m NOT READY to meet anyone right now. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I got off the dating site that night, and will not be returning. So, with that done (dating – or thinking of it anyway for now), I realized I want to go back to school to get my degree. I can do so much more than I am getting credit for SO, I’m going to get my degree. It’s in my current field, so I will Be more. Be respected More. BUT, that requires money. I’ll get it done. Somehow. Some way. I will make it happen. I applied today. We’ll see where that goes, and I want to start Fall 2019. I’m excited. I’ve got 3 years of college under my belt. But, it’s in Education, and since I’m not doing that, I need to redirect my education to what I’m doing now. I’ll have to start over, but I’ve got 40+ years of life left, and I need to arm myself to be successful. I’ve fought for everything in my life. EVERYTHING. Instead of being on defense, I’m headed straight to the goal line! It’ll take time, but it will feel amazing.

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In doing that, I’ve also tried to figure out where to direct my blog, and I think I’ve settled on the ins and outs of being single and how to remind yourself that you’re OK. (myself, yourself, ourselves). My end message for this evening is – be what you are going to be for that day. If you’re sad, be sad. If you’re angry, be angry. If you’re questioning yourself – do that. I talk about my stuff with myself, my Mom, daughter and sister. But, I also do this – write. I urge everyone to let themselves feel what they need to feel (safely) because it allows us to sluff off the feelings eventually so we can move to our next chapter. EVERYONE is different. The time it takes YOU to heal is YOURS. Don’t let anyone tell you to “get over it”. We all cope in different ways. I think there are things we NEVER get over. We just learn how to incorporate it into our lives. I speak from experience. I know you’re all thinking – “yup, I know exactly what she means.” It’s OK. If you feel overwhelmed and you need more support, then please talk to a professional. If you’re reading this, then you know you can type into the search box – “need help with depression” and there will be many options.

The most important thing to remember is that YOU’RE VALUABLE and you MATTER. Thanks for stopping by! We all need help sometimes. Here is a link that may help you find some POWER! I am reading this book currently. It may or may not work for you, but it’s helping me! https://www.amazon.com/You-Are-Badass%C2%AE-Doubting-Greatness/dp/0762447699/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=F1SWGF8WPE02YCXFCQW9

YOU’RE A BAD ASS! DON’T FORGET IT!

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