After my last post, I took a deep breath and did some reflecting. I’m just a girl who struggles with big change. It doesn’t matter if it’s overall good. Change and adjustment is hard for me. I know that about myself. But I woke up after writing my last blog and felt….. calm. The aftermath of the seizure finally subsided yesterday. It might be a happy coincidence but I don’t think so. The stress from moving, living alone, struggling financially, being sick, being somewhat resentful and frustrated all culminated in having a seizure and a fever blister. THAT is my body’s way of telling me to settle down. It worked. I could feel the buildup and thought I could solve it. I didn’t but my body did. I’m not sure I’ll ever be good at emotionally calming myself. I don’t take it out on others. My mania kind of takes over and I eventually break down physically. I know that’s the nature of how my brain works. Do I think it’s part of my bipolar? Could be. But I know it’s my coping mechanism. Work work work. Deny deny deny. Analyze to the nth degree and basically drive myself bonkers! 🤯
Some of you are reading this and completely relate. Some of you may not understand at all. It’s ok. I urge all of you to reflect when something major happens in your life after the emotional and physical fallout. I mean the goal is to figure it out before that happens but it doesn’t always happen that way. Don’t be too hard on yourself. We’re human. Not perfect and we’re not here to prove ourselves to those who have unrealistic expectations of us. For me, that’s me! I have these rules for myself.
1. Don’t let your feelings show. That’s a weakness
2. Get over the changes already. That’s a weakness
3. Don’t be angry.
4. Don’t be sad.
5. Don’t be worried.
6. Don’t be anything that means you’re stressed about the change you’re going through.
7. Don’t be human.
8. Only show a brave face because no one wants to hear that you’re struggling.
See the theme? I am human. I am humble. I am imperfect. I am here. Here is what I have learned in the last week. A calmness has come over me after a prolonged period of mania and anxiety.
1. I am ok
2. I have a place to live. So many do not have a warm bed to sleep in every night.
3. I have meals to eat every day. So many do not have food to eat.
4. I have a job to go to every day that makes me happy. So many do not have a job and they can’t support themselves for whatever reasons.
5. I have 2 dogs that keep me balanced. They keep me grounded. I would be far worse mentally and emotionally without them. They love me unconditionally.
6. I am alive. There have been 4 distinct times where that could have been different.
The first time I was 16. Had I died, my 2 amazingly beautiful, smart children would not have been born. The world would have never known them. They are brilliant and both make a difference in our world.
The 2nd time was after my daughter was born. I went to my 6 weeks checkup after Judy was born, and was told I needed emergency surgery. I was hemorrhaging and my uterus wasn’t going back to normal. I went into surgery an hour later. Died on the table. Long story, but I wasn’t ready to go, so I fought. I had 2 children that needed me. They were my everything.
The 3rd time I had given up. God didn’t give up on me. My depression was so vast and deep and I just didn’t want to be here anymore. I did reach out for help and got it before it was too late. I don’t remember calling my best friend. That was 2003-ish.
The 4th time was in 2006. I have very little memory of this event. Maybe I’ll write about it in a later blog. I remember waking up in a car with my boyfriend at the time and telling him I was ready. I remember feeling so peaceful. I hadn’t ever felt so calm. Next memory I have is waking up in the ICU. God didn’t give up on me.
Since then, I’ve been properly medicated. I vowed I would never try to intentionally leave again. I knew I had to find a way to minimize the black outs. These seemed to be the moments I did destructive things. Part of that was getting on medication for my Bipolar. I’ve been on them without hesitation since 2006. It doesn’t cure a person of Bipolar. But it certainly makes the rough times more bearable for me.
7. My Mom has made all the difference in my life. She listens to all my babbling, feat, happiness, sadness, anger….. all my stuff. She lets me say whatever is on my mind. I know she won’t always be here, but God is good. He gave me a Mom that can shoulder all my moods and be my champion in the best of times and the worst.
8. I have 2 amazing children that I adore in every way. Just thinking about them brings me joy and peace.
Life is change. I have been through so many hardships. What I’m going through now isn’t a hardship, it’s just different. I don’t have a designated driver anymore. I don’t have someone who is there when something medical happens. But, that’s ok. I’m not in a hurry. I enjoy being alone with my dogs. I am done feeling sorry for myself. It doesn’t make anything better.
I have goals. There are some obstacles but that’s ok. I realized I need to write them down.
1. Dentist! I have to get my mouth healthy. Because I have advanced osteoporosis, I need to make sure my mouth is ok.
2. Go back to school. Need to pay off 2 student loans.
3. Continue writing my blog but more often
4. Get a 2nd job so I don’t have to stress about living paycheck to paycheck and to start paying off student loans, and save for dentist. I can pay my basic bills but can’t do a lot outside that.
5. Continue to exercise because surgery was a success!
6. Remember that I have value and I have skills that allow me to contribute to society and the people around me.
7. Spend more time with my family.
8. Continue to be thankful to be alive.
9. Continue to figure out ways to sleep better.
All these things are doable and don’t have to be done all at once. I was convinced it should have all been done by now.
Reflecting has really helped. I don’t feel a weight on my chest to hurry up and fix all of it. If you’re struggling, take a deep breath and remember that you’re ok. You are loved and you’re doing enough today. Write down your goals. Make them real. You can accomplish anything you desire.