I’ve been struggling with decision vs indecision. I used to be really good at making decisions – good or bad. Since being single, it’s almost mind numbing trying to make a decision outside my comfort zone. I took some advice and started reading a book called You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero. So far, it’s a good book. I wasn’t going to write again until I finished it, but I’m a work in progress and writing is part of my gig. Getting my feelings out on paper is important for my well-being, and if I can touch someone else’s life in the process, I’m doing good for others, as well. If you feel like you’re losing your mind a little, take comfort in the fact that you’re just human. Today, I was expecting to spend time with someone other than my puppies, but it didn’t go as planned. I had expectations that were wrong. Totally my fault. I take responsibility for my assumptions. You can only control what you do and say and think. No one else can do that for you. I do have the uncanny ability to accept others, but that doesn’t mean I have to accept them at my own degradation. I was supposed to go to my sister’s, but I woke up late. I should have gone anyway. I missed them. I chose to be alone today. I wish I would have spent it with them. Can’t take that back BUT I did make a decision.
Weekends are tough sometimes. I decided that even though I had different expectations of how the day might go, I got myself dressed, took the dogs for a walk (all normal routine stuff), and then I decided that I would go lay by the pool. This is not something I would normally do. I am not a fan of my body but more than that, being with strangers isn’t easy for me outside the work place. But, I’m learning that loving myself is key to my success in life. SO, I put on my bathing suit, got a towel, headphones and walked out the door. I love the water. It’s my safe place and brings about peace and quiet that I need often. BUT, I got to the pool and couldn’t figure out how to open the gate. Left. Felt stupid. Texted for support, as in, talked to someone who could talk me off the ledge. I went back. Same thing. Went and laid on a hammock for a minute. Remembered how much I hate hammocks. Texted for moral support again. Got it, and went to a different gate and walked in. Now, folks, no one should have this much trouble walking to a pool at their apartment complex. But, I did. I stayed for a couple hours. Got some good sun, and went home. THAT is what I am learning. To take baby steps. The anxiety I am feeling is just ridiculous to me. I have no issues getting things done at work. I love working. It’s my safe place. Weird, right? But, I know my place there, so I feel good about it, and I’m excited about where I’m going. BUT, having more confidence in my personal life will automatically pour into my professional life. That’s a fact. After the pool, I walked a mile on my treadmill. Ate. Took my trash out. Cleaned. I’ve been binge watching Mr. Robot, so that’s happening in the midst of everything else.
I’ve also figured out that I have healing to do from 2 relationships ago. He was mentally, verbally and physically abusive. It has taken its toll, and trying to push through that experience is limiting my ability to fully move forward. I am making the decision to not push through, or rather, push past emotions associated with that trauma. I recently read an article regarding verbal abuse and its effects on people’s minds, bodies and souls. I didn’t think I was worthy of getting better. WRONG. I am. I will have what I want in this life. My desires are simply to have a quieter mind; eventually finding a kick-ass companion; continuing to grow at work and learn more everyday and be a strong support system to my friends and family. I will continue writing because I love writing. This will be something I will continue to do because it makes me happy. It makes me feel connected to the Universe and other people. It’s my truth. I also know these things don’t happen overnight. There is such thing as going too fast.
If you are currently in an abusive relationship or have come out of one, be kind to yourself. It’s not your fault that some unstable S.O.B. used you as their kicking board, whether that be emotionally or physically. Being the recipient of physical and emotional abuse, I choose physical. Those wounds heal. Emotional wounds are much more complicated. It makes DECIDING to do anything about anything difficult – at least in my experience. I recently wrote a post about how affirmations are stupid. LET ME WALK THAT BACK and say I was wrong. I was limiting my urge to heal. I was saying NO to learning how to love myself – I was denying SELF CARE. When you are recovering from abuse, it’s baby steps. I was dead inside during my last relationship. We weren’t at all compatible and I wish him peace as he continues his life’s journey.
I did 2 things outside my comfort zone this weekend. Yesterday, I got up; did my hair and makeup, put on normal, casual (girly) clothes, and drove to see my daughter at her work. She works in a crazy, busy place, but I knew it was time for me to walk out of my apartment and do something different. It felt really good to get out. I was hard on myself about my looks, but I’m working on that, too.The other activities were today.
When you spend 10 years getting told how terrible you are, and that you can only be loved by that person because you’re a piece of bleep, it starts to seep into your pores. You’re afraid to do anything. You’re afraid to talk. Think. Move. MAKE A DECISION. The physical abuse doesn’t help, but emotional abuse is devastating and destructive. The abuser is acutely aware of what they’re doing. They know they’re breaking another human being. When I run across someone who is struggling in this same way, I want to reach out and tell them it’s going to be OK. Baby steps.
To not be able to open a gate to a pool and having a mini fit about inside is ANXIETY. I absolutely didn’t believe I had anxiety until I started reading this book, and I also downloaded an app called Sanity & Self. It has little talks on it that you can listen to for a set amount of days. I looked at the one that talks about anxiety and decided to listen. Folks, I have anxiety issues and didn’t even know it. As a matter of fact, I didn’t think I had any anxiety at all. I am going to do whatever it takes to get beyond the anxiety. I want to go to concerts with lots of people so I can get past my crowd anxiety. I want to go to any pool with my bathing suit and not freak out or run away. I want to go on a date with someone who actually makes an effort to show me I’m special and I’ll do the same in return. We all have baggage, but being honest with ourselves means we can be honest with others. Fact is, I respect honesty. Being in limbo makes my anxiety far worse, so I usually shut that down pretty quickly.
“Some of our important choices have a time line. If we delay a decision, the opportunity is gone forever. Sometimes our doubts keep us from making a choice that involves change. Thus an opportunity may be missed”…. James E. Faust
My gut tells me that sometimes you have to be patient about decisions so I don’t necessarily agree with the above quote. It just seems so final. Maybe, it’s true. But, this also resonates with me. I believe every step or choice we make takes us in a different direction in our lives. Sometimes good and sometimes not so good. Another thing I’m learning how to do again is TRUST my INTUITION. I am a good judge of character if it’s for someone outside my personal bubble. I’m going to listen to myself. The process of listening to myself for my personal stuff is a journey, but I’m baby stepping my way back. Making no decision at all means there’s no movement. SO, I’ve already started that process. And, that’s enough. I have to slow down and listen to ME. The most important thing we can do is take care of ourselves – our minds, our bodies – our SOULS. I am going to manage my expectations and just enjoy life. I have so many good things. The Universe is providing everything I need. If I can find my way after having been in such an abusive situation, so can you. Write some affirmations down on post-it notes, and put them in different areas of your house. Send affirmations to yourself as alerts on your phone or tablet or whatever you may use, and download an app that helps you support yourself. Read You Are a Badass. You are beautiful. You deserve good things. You can do ANYTHING you want.